Disclaimer: Miss Love is not a psychologist, psychiatrist or any other type of trained counselor. She is merely a gal trying to apply common sense to relationship problems. If you have a serious problem, please seek professional help.
To protect everyone's privacy, we used the initials C. H. for the woman's boyfriend.
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My boyfriend C. H. and I have been going out for 4 and a half months.
A few weeks ago he got angry when I got off the phone with a girl friend of mine. C. H. was suspicious and he thought I was talking with a guy friend that he’s jealous of.
I tried to reassure him that it wasn’t my guy friend.
A few weeks ago he got angry when I got off the phone with a girl friend of mine. C. H. was suspicious and he thought I was talking with a guy friend that he’s jealous of.
I tried to reassure him that it wasn’t my guy friend.
C. H. thinks that my guy friend and I went out as boyfriend and girlfriend before. I keep telling my boyfriend that we didn’t.
Then C. H. put his hand on my neck. He didn’t choke me; he just put one hand on my neck. He’s never laid a hand on me before.
Then C. H. put his hand on my neck. He didn’t choke me; he just put one hand on my neck. He’s never laid a hand on me before.
Lately he’s been stressed out because he’s out of work. And his mom is giving him a hard time about helping to pay for part of the rent or some of the utilities around the house. He’s in his twenties and I’m around his age too.
I keep telling my boyfriend that my guy friend and I never ever went out. To be honest, my guy friend is not my type physically.
But C. H. insisted that there was something more going on between my guy friend and me before I met my boyfriend. I don’t know why he gets so jealous. I love my boyfriend a lot, but I don’t know how to make him believe that I only have eyes for him.
But C. H. insisted that there was something more going on between my guy friend and me before I met my boyfriend. I don’t know why he gets so jealous. I love my boyfriend a lot, but I don’t know how to make him believe that I only have eyes for him.
Actually I started fights with him too. I am jealous of this one girl who used to date him. He introduced me to her once, probably to make her jealous.
But I don’t think they see each other anymore. He’s always with me.
I have a feeling that he still likes her and I give him a hard time about that. I have a bad temper also. I have yelled at him and I’ve hit him on the arm. Sometimes I get jealous when he talks with his female friends, but I try to calm myself down. I try to tell myself that there’s nothing going on with those girls.
But I don’t think they see each other anymore. He’s always with me.
I have a feeling that he still likes her and I give him a hard time about that. I have a bad temper also. I have yelled at him and I’ve hit him on the arm. Sometimes I get jealous when he talks with his female friends, but I try to calm myself down. I try to tell myself that there’s nothing going on with those girls.
How do I know? Because C.H. and I see each other almost every day; and that makes me feel good. I enjoy spending time with him. He’s really funny and he makes me laugh. We have nicknames for each other and I’m happy when I’m with him.
Do you think that because I get so jealous and I fight so much with him, it stresses him out so much that he lashed out at me? How do I reassure him that there’s nothing going on with my guy friend and me?
Don’t Know How to Reassure Him
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Dear Don’t Know How,
Let me lay a few facts on you:
“In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner. That's an average of three women every day. Of all the women murdered in the U.S., about one-third were killed by an intimate partner.” **
“In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner. That's an average of three women every day. Of all the women murdered in the U.S., about one-third were killed by an intimate partner.” **
I’m willing to bet good money that since 2005, those statistics have gotten worse, not better.
No being assaulted by the scary stranger in a dark alley… a significant percent of women are hurt (or killed) by men they love, who claim to love them back.
No being assaulted by the scary stranger in a dark alley… a significant percent of women are hurt (or killed) by men they love, who claim to love them back.
What, you may ask, does this have to do with reassuring your boyfriend? Everything. Because you, dear DKH, have a much bigger problem than reassuring an insecure boyfriend.
You, DKH, are in an abusive relationship. And as much as you will not want to hear this, you need to get out! Immediately! And not just for your sake, but for his as well.
You, DKH, are in an abusive relationship. And as much as you will not want to hear this, you need to get out! Immediately! And not just for your sake, but for his as well.
It is absolutely not acceptable for him to put his hands on you. It is also not acceptable for you to put your hands on him. You are both stuck in a toxic relationship, one marked by insecurity, jealousy, mistrust, and control issues (if he needs to be with you ALL the time, he’s got control issues). And abuse is all about control.
DKH, you won’t see this relationship as abusive, because you imagine abuse looks like the movies: the abuser as a hulking brute who is always angry, always violent, always surly and ready to go off any moment. Not so.
In fact, the good times are part of the cycle of abuse. A friend of mine, who had a similar relationship to yours and sought help from a local domestic violence group, learned the following about abuse:
- There is a period during which stress builds to a crescendo, a period of “walking on eggshells” around the abuser.
- An incident happens, where the abuser blows up (e.g. when your boyfriend put his hand on your neck).
- The abuser feels sorry, remorseful and tries to make up for the incident.
- The abuser goes out of his way to make it up to his (or her) partner by doing nice things for the person. It is in this phase that he will pull out the charm, the affection, and make you forget the scary side. It is here that you will start to think “He’s not so bad. If I just don’t set him off again, we can be happy.”
- Things will be fine for a while….
- …until the stress starts building up again. And the cycle repeats.
The one thing you need to know is that abuse always escalates. This time he put his hand on your neck. When he sees that you won’t leave him after this incident, believe me, next time he will do something worse; because he knows he can get away with it. Next time, he will choke you. Or worse. Next time, you may not survive.
DKH, don’t be a statistic. Respect yourself enough to walk away from this relationship. And seek the help and counsel of a local domestic violence group.
Take care,
Miss Love
P.S. Abuse does not just consist of violence. If you need more help determining whether you are in an abusive relationship, there are many good self-quizzes on the Internet you can take. Here is a small sampling:
To find help in your area, try the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
** Statistics from the National Organization of Women website:
2 comments:
Don't get abused, get your ex back.
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